First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize