Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
