so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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