and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
