But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
