it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
