Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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