I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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