You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
