im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
