The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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