Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
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