Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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