I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
His nipple licking is glorious
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