Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
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