After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
