Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
