Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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