You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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