where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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