Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
