I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
