So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
