my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize