she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I miss vodka workout Fridays
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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