just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
