He uses pillows to masturbate.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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