I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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