Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
