Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
