My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize