I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
