The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
