he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My feet surprised me
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
