yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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