You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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