we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
