Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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