I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I feel like a drive thru vagina
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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