I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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