omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
