In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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