i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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