I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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