I just made out with a guy for $7.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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