its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
