The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
