So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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