i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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