69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Randomize
