Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Ladies don't puke and tell
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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