Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
