Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
