Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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