im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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